Birth of a Merc
by Steamboat88
Summary: YAHF: What happens when the Zepppo dresses as the Merc with a Mouth...you get this story...kind of anti-climactic. P.S. I posted this story on the tthfanfic site also.
1. Out of Guns

Out of Guns

Authors Note: People out there this here will be my first attempt at writing outside of my creative writing class, so please take it easy on me if your going to comment.

Disclaimer: Buffy and all related characters belong to Joss Whedon and that Zombie guy(I like to call him Bill) that appears after the credits, and any Marvel character that I happen to mention belong to the good people of Marvel, and if I mention a DC character well they belong to the DC people. I only own...well nothing, but my own imagination.

P.S. I don't really remember the actual dialog in the episode so if it's not right please don't make me feel bad about it.

* * *

What's so freaking great about Angel? Sure he's tall dark and handsome, but does he have the ability to eat a whole Twinkie in one bite? I DON'T THINK SO! Wait. What was I doing again? Oh, right costume. Stupid Snyder, if it wasn't for him I'd be vegging out tonight and be getting in some quality Buffy snuggles, but no instead we're hear at this crappy costume shop. To top it off she's looking for something that'll impress Fang-face. Now spandex that's what makes a real costume.

"Can I help you young man?" A voice said coming from somewhere.

"AHH!" Yeah that was totally manly.

"Oh, pardon me my boy I didn't me to frighten you. It's just you looked like you were having trouble picking out a costume, and this being my shop I believed I could have been of service." the British guy said. (I wonder if he's apart of the tweed brigade too)

"Costume? Crap! Right I need a costume. Hey um Ethan sir man Englishman could you direct to where you keep your toy guns?" Keep it together Xan-Man be cool.

"I'm sorry my boy, but I just sold the last one while you were staring at that little blond girl you came in with." Ethan said.

Out of guns? What the hell kind of place runs out of guns? I should blame this on how hot Buffy looks right now. Damn, she is looking pretty fine though.

"Dammit, now what the hell am I supposed to do?" Maybe I could go as a responsible student that would be a good costume.

"Well you could stand there babbling on about karma, or you could follow me to discount costumes." Ethan said.

"Hey! I don't appreciate that tone, and lead the way please." Score!

"Very well, follow me. Oh, and do try to not knock any more things over." Ethan said.

"Um it was a ghost?" Smooth Xander real smooth.

"Quite."

He's giving me that British stare that makes me feel stupid. "So, what kind of costumes are you selling here that's discounted at this really inexpensive place?" Did that come out like an insult?

"Humph, well young man just to make things clear I only put the defected costumes in this area." Said Ethan.

Yeah that definitely came off as an insult. Oh well, it's not like he's some kind of wizard who enchants costumes or anything. How far away are these costumes we've been for like a minute now(and that's a long time).

"Ah, here we are." Ask and ye shall receive.

"Lets have gander at these bad boys."

"I'd say not to break anything, but I have a feeling such advice would be wasted on you. If you would excuse me. It would appear your blond and redheaded friend have made their choice."

"Yeah, sure" What a pompous ass. Ok, so what do we have hear. Hmm, a lot of comic book characters here; lets see the Shocker no Crimson Dynamo no Absorbing Man (what's with all these villains) Here's one, kind of looks like Spider-Man.

"Hey, Mr um Ethan whats up with this Spider-Man knock off," Did I insult him again?

"I believe that particular costume belongs to a comic book character." Wow, that was helpful.

"Alright, I'll take it. How much?"

"Well, since you are one of my last costumers. I'll be willing to part with it free of charge; if you would just go so I may close the shop." Yeah guy's definitely upset there.

"Sounds good, did you see where my friends went?"

"I believe they're waiting for you somewhere near the exit. Oh, and have a nice day." Yeah, that guy definitely dislikes me.

"Hey Will, Hey Buffster. What did you guys end up getting?" Like I don't know.

"Hey Xander, I got this great dress that'll make Angels head turn," stupid Captain Forehead,"and for Willow lets just say there's going to be a big surprise." Said the future love of my life.

"What did you get Xander?" Asked my bestest bud in all the world.

"Well good buddy, good friend of mine. I purchased some cheap Spider-Man knock off costume, which comes with these cool plastic swords." How nerdy was that?

"Ooh, SpiderManthat'scoolIlikeSpiderMannotbecausehehasaredheadedgirlfrienditsjustbecausehecoolandstufflikethat."

"Wow, all that in one breath. So Buffy, what are your mom and Dawn going to do since they don't have the older sister to drag them down?" Dammit I really need to work on that non insult thing.

"I think they're going to this thing with paintings, and a lot of old people."

"Sounds just as fun as what we're doing...not." That was lame.

"A not joke? Come on Xander that's so last month." Buffy said. (which sounded equally lame)

"Okay okay, I'll see you guys later. I need to figure out how to put all this stuff on."

"Bye Xan." Buffy said.

"By Xander." Willow said.

Jeez that took longer than I thought. Better get home to begin my transformation to...crap I didn't even look at the name. Let's see "Deadpool" wasn't that a Eastwood flick? Oh well, Sunnydale say hello to Deadpool.

* * *

Well there it is the first chapter to something I hope will entertain the masses


	2. Chimichanga

Chimichanga

Authors Note: Ok here it is chapter two and thank you guys for those kind words it warms the heart and strokes the ego.

P.S. Lets just pretend that Xander more of a DC kind of guy.

* * *

Spandex? Check. Plastic swords? Check. Special harness for candy? Check. Hmm, maybe it would have been better if I had checked all my stuff at home. Eh, too late for that I'm already at Buffy's' house.

Knock Knock

"Oh, hello Xander you look nice. Why don't you come on in the girls should be done any minute now." Ah, Mrs. Summers the mother I wish I had.

"Thanks Mrs. S. By the way you are looking pretty scrumptious yourself; planning on meeting some single men at this art party are you?"

"Stop it Xander you'll make me blush, and how many times have I told you it's Joyce not Mrs. S. Any way, the "art party" isn't for meeting any men it's about sharing mutual interests in art, and networking to help make the galleries collection a bit larger." Said Joyce.

"Wow, sounds great. So why is Dawn going to it too?" It's a legitimate question.

"Well, some of the potential investors are also bringing their children so I thought why not, and who knows maybe she'll meet a nice young man to take away her obsession of you." She said with a sly smile.

"Jeez, you know about that?"

"Well, it's hard to miss all the Dawn Xanders written in hearts on all of her school papers."

"Hey, not many can resist my manly charms. Where is the munchkin anyway?"

"Xander!" I must be psychic or something.

"DA-" She hugged/tackled me to the ground before I could finish.

"You have to convince my mom not to take me to this thing! I'm so totally going to be bored there, and even worse I might not even get any candy!" Dawnie, my little stalker. Well, technically she's not a stalker since she doesn't go about it with knives.

"Well Joyce it doesn't look like she's thrilled about going to the art party." Time to work the puppy dog eyes (this never fails).

"I'm sorry guys, but I really need Dawn there to help me out." Crap, I'm losing my edge.

"Darn, well I tried my best. Tell you what Dawn ,since you might not be getting candy you can have a portion of mine."

"Thanks Xander. My mom must have a resolve of iron if the puppy dog eyes didn't work."

"Hey you guys, when did Xander get here?" Finally they show up, I've been wait...whoa.

"Buffy, Lady of Buffdom I totally renounce spandex. Except the one I'm wearing."

"Why thank you sir. Wait till you see...Casper?"

"Hey Will, nice boo you got there." Nothing new there.

"heyxanderyoulookgreatinspandexnotthatyoudon'lookgreatinregulartooitsjustthatyoulookgoodinspandex ok shutting up now." That was awkward.

"Well ladies, shall we be going."

"Ok bye Mom, bye Dawn, see you guys later, have a great time at that thing!"

"Bye Mrs. Summers, bye Dawn."

"Later Joyce, see ya Dawn Patrol, don't get too bored."

Meanwhile...

"Hmm, where the bloody hell did I put that bust?" Ethan searches through out the back of his store.

Back to the story...

"This is kind of weird guys, all the girls that we pass keep looking at me like I'm a piece of meat. Do you guys feel this way often?"

"You get used to it." Nice comeback Buffy.

"Well, it wouldn't be happening if you went as Ragman or the Phantom Stranger. By the way, I thought you liked the DC comics better than Marvel." A Jewish superhero and a sorcerer not bad choices.

"You know Will, I'd go with those guys but the price on this bad boy was to good to pass up."

"Wasn't it for free?"

"Exactly."

"There you three trouble makers are," Snyder the bane of all high school life, "I expected you all here earlier. Here are your assigned children. I expect you to look after, but not to speak with, them we don't want them to be picking up any bad habits now." That rat bastard.

"Hi the-" Buffy attempted to say.

"bup, bup, no talking." I thought he left already.

"...Troll, I'll see you guys later tonight. Follow me kids."

"Bye Buffy. Well I'll get going too, come on guys. See ya Xander." Willow said.

"Later Buff, later Will," this is going to be a long day, " alright kiddies stick with ol' Deadpool here I'll show you the ropes on how to sleaze as much candies as you can get." And with that all the kids became attentive.

Meanwhile...

"Ah, here's that bloody bust. I don't remember putting it by the rejects though. Oh well, time to get started." Said Ethan.

Back to the story...(Several hours later)

"Alright guys this is the last house we can go to before heading back." These kids learned the way of the sleazer pretty quickly they can barely lift those bags.

At that same time...

"Show-time!"

Back to the story...

Whoa, I'm feeling kinda strange here like I've been hanging around the boys bathroom on 420.

(Switching to third person)

With those words said Xander collapsed. After a few moments he started to shift around, but he was no longer the King of Cretins. He was Deadpool.

After shaking out the cob webs, and checking if he had a chimchanga on him, the only words that came to Deadpools mind was, "I wonder if there's a Taco Bell near."

* * *

There you have it.


	3. Night of the Merc Pt1

Night of the Merc Pt.1

Authors Note: Sorry it took so long to update I got sick.

P.S. Dawn and Joyce unfortunately didn't dress up for Halloween.

* * *

"We can't go on together, with suspicious minds! Suspicious Minds!" This is the Life! Going around kicking a few midget mutants around while singing a song of the King. Granted, there aren't any Taco Bells around, but all in all tonight's a good night for Deadpool "The Merc with a Mouth".

"Xander!"

Xander huh (sounds like a butt monkey). I wonder what kinda chick is looking for... Holy Frijole look at the mammas on that chika!

"Hey!" she said while crossing her arms (to cover them mammas).

"You heard what I thought! Are you a telepath? Gasp Are you another reboot of Jean Grey?"

"What? No, you said all those things out loud Xander."

"I did?"

"Yeah."

"Damn. I thought Fabian fixed that problem. Wait a second, who you calling Xander?"

"I'm calling you Xander because your names Xander."

"Whoa there little lady, if your going to be giving me make believe names it should be something with a little more UMPH like...Donald, or you could call me by the name that goes with the costume "Deadpool". Besides you haven't even told me your name, or how much you charge."

"Oh my gosh! Ok, my name is Willow ,your best friend, and I went as a ghost for Halloween. Your name is Xander, and you only went as Deadpool for Halloween." Willow said.

"Really? You went as a hooker ghost? There's only one way to prove this!"

Ok lets see here all I need to do is look at my dialog boxes..."WHERE ARE MY YELLOW BOXES!"

"What?" Hooker ghost Willow said.

"My yellow dialog boxes, it's what sets me apart from the other Marvel feebs. Okay I believe you now. Wish I had some kind of recap page to be apart of my regular continuity, or a sheep bazooka. Hold that thought, I got to go vent my anger on some rampaging midget mutants."

"Wait! No kicking, or any kind of violence! Those aren't really mutants, they're little kids stuck like that just like us!"

"But I'm good at violence."

"I said NO! We have to find Buffy."

"Buffy? Look here we don't have to go look for a poodle. I need to go find a chimichanga and then I need to figure out what is going on."

"Wait! Buffy's a friend of mine and if you help me out you'll get as many chimichangas as you want. Plus Mrs. Summers, Buffy's mom, she makes the best chimichangas ever."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Are they shiny?"

"Um...Sure?"

"I'll need to think about this...OK! Little ghost hooker, you've just hired yourself one Deadpool! Where too?"

"First, my name is Willow! Not ghost hooker secon-" AHH " Oh my gosh! That was Buffy!"

(3rd person perspective)

Elizabeth was terrified to say the least standing right in front of her there was some kind of horned demon preparing to rip her to shreds. She had no clue where she was, the last memory she had was of eating dinner with her father in the dining room of her families estate. As the demon pounced, she heard a man cry out, "DYNAMIC ENTRY!". Then out of nowhere, came a man (Xander/Deadpool) flying through the air and kicked the demon in the chest (knocking it back several feet and into a bush)who then said, "Gai Sensei, Eat your heart out."

As the demon ran away, Elizabeth approached the man who saved her and said, "Thank you kind sir, I could not have imagined what would happen to me if you had not appeared."

At this, all Deadpool could say was, "Aw shucks, your making me blush," and proceeded to give her a ridiculous looking bow.

She curtsied and asked, "And what, pray tell, would be my rescuers name?"

"Well miss frilly dress you can call me 'The Merc with a Mouth' Deadpool," said Deadpool with an unseen grin.

"Deadpool? What manner of name is Deadpool? Certainly you have a much more befitting name such as George or perhaps Donald?" Said Elizabeth haughtily.

"Listen lady we already used that joke. Besides, just because I don't have a heroic name doesn't mean I'm not a hero (most of the time)." Deadpool said a bit offended.

"Buffy! Thank goodness we found you. We have to get to Giles before anything bad happens." Willow said, finally arriving at the scene.

"How dare you address me as if you knew me!" raged Elizabeth, "you will address me as Lady Elizabeth!"

"What took you?" asked Deadpool, "I thought you'd get here before I did."

"Just because I'm a ghost, doesn't mean I'm faster. It just means nothing can touch me." Willow said attempting to breath in air.

"Ah! A ghost! Quick, kill it!" Screamed Elizabeth.

"Listen here princess, you have to calm down or you'll attract more of those mutant kid thingies. Besides, killing a ghost? That's like trying crush water." Deadpool said.

"We don't have time for this, we need to get to some place safe." Willow said, "We can go to Buffy's house it's not to far from here."

Elsewhere...

Sip"Now that's what I call a cup of tea." Said Giles, completely oblivious to the situation outside of the library.

Back to the story...

When they arrived at the Summer home, Willow entered the house by walking through the front door. "Hello? Mrs. Summers? Dawn? Good, they're not back yet come in guys," Willow said walking back outside through the door.

"Interesting," said Deadpool while looking at the door "it seems we have a problem."

"What's that?" asked Willow.

"We can't walk through walls. We could try, but that would only lead to the inevitable forehead pains and me saying 'why don't I use the transporter that my old pal Weasel made and get us in that way?'." Deadpool said as he grabbed Elizabeth and teleported into the house. As they landed, he shouted, "and the judges score? It's 10 points across the board! And the crowd goes wild! What's that the crowd's chanting? Deadpool's a better teleporter than Nightcrawler?"

"What sorcery was that?" asked Elizabeth a bit shaken up.

"That wasn't sorcery Lady Frilly dress. It's the miracles of an alcoholic nerd who never gets laid." Deadpool said while squirming "hey Willow, where's the bathroom? I need to take a wicked yes."

"It's the the door underneath the stairs," Willow said , as she shook her head, "what is wrong with that guy?"

"What does he mean, what is a 'wicked yes'?" asked Elizabeth, obviously confused.

"Well, the French word for yes is oui-" Willow started, but she was interrupted when she heard Deadpool go, "GAH!"

Deadpool came running out of the bathroom with his mask in hand and said, "This is really happening."

"What's wrong?" asked Willow.

"I have a face. I mean I had a face before but it was scab factory, but all I got now is a couple pimples." Said Deadpool, staring at his mask in his hand.

"What do yo-" Willow started, but stopped when she heard a scream. She then glared at Deadpool.

"Hey, it wasn't me (this time). I have a more masculine scream." He defended himself. They heard the scream again coming outside. "Hold that thought red, THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR DEADPOOL!" He shouted, and then ran to where the scream originated from.

"Surely he'll not desert us?" Elizabeth asked clutching the sofa.

"Whatever. Wait a second, XANDER YOU FORGOT YOUR MASK!" Willow shouted, but he couldn't hear her.

(Back to the 1st person)

Wow, this kid's out of shape no stamina and no muscles at all. He probably gets picked on too, what a maroon. That's all gonna change after tonight I'll write this kid a note that'll make him want to get as big as and strong as lil ol' me. Did it get colder out? AHH Jeez, I heard you the first time. There she is, whoa mama another hottie. What's with this town?

"Hey you with the hair! Get away from my potential one night stand!" That'll get the beasty riled up. ROAR Oh yeah, just what I wanted.

"Hey girl! Get your cute butt into the house behind me!"

"WE"LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER XANDER!" How she know. Wait a second, I'm not wearing my mask! I can't fight without my mask, it's against union rules. What to do? I could always distract it with a song and dance routine, but the last time I tried that I ended up being banned from the Baxter building. You know, that hulking mass of fur looks familiar. No it couldn't be.

"Sasquatch? Walter Langkowski? It's me Deadpool you know your favorite patient?" I hope this works.

"Wade?" Score!

"Aha, it is you. I'd recognize that orange fur and and rippling muscles anywhere." Did I say that out loud?

"What's going on I feel so confused. One minute I'm looking for a reference book, the next I'm chasing a girl down to get some answers."

"That's fine and all, but what was with that Simba impression?"

"Oh, I uh stepped on a nail or something."

"Fine, whatever. Lets get back inside and I'll give the low down."

(Back to 3rd person)

"Oh my gosh! Cordelia, your not a real cat your a highschool student and we're friends. Sort of." Willow frantically said.

"Yeah, and you went psycho when?" Cordelia said sarcastically, "and why is the dweeb talking to Jojo the dog boy, shouldn't he be stabbing it or running back to the house? Is he skipping to my lou?"

"It looks like they're heading this way." Willow said, sounding very confused, "Why didn't you turn into your costume like everybody?"

"I don't know! I was at the Bronze when some of the people started to freak out, and then they started acting all weird kind of like how Xander dances. Would you look at my costume, I'll never get that security deposit back from Party Town looking like this!" Cordelia said.

"LUCY I'M HOME!" Deadpool shouted, as he entered the house followed by Sasquatch, "I'd like you all to meet my ex-psychiatrist the big fury Sasquatch."

"Hi there," said Sasquatch rather timidly.

"WHAT!" Cordelia and Willow shrieked at the same time.

"You can talk? Why didn't you say anything while you were chasing me out there?" Cordelia asked or rather demanded an answer.

"I couldn't get a word in. You were screaming so loudly." He answered.

"WHY DID YOU RIP MY COSTUME THEN?!" Cordelia shrieked.

"This is all good and fun, but first things first. My mask please." Deadpool stated clearly.

"And you Dweeb boy, what gives you the nerve to call me a future one night stand, and why didn't fight or stab Jojo there?" Cordelia asked/demanded again.

"Hey, I refer to any hottie as a future hook up, and B no mask no fight union rules." Deadpool replied, while pulling his mask over his head.

"Union? What is a union? Is it some sort of knighthood?" Elizabeth asked.

"What's their deal?" Cordelia asked Willow.

"They have some kind of amnesia." She replied.

"I would think not, I bathe quite often." Elizabeth said defending herself.

"Alright, you guys stay here. I'm going to go to the school and see if Giles knows anything." Willow said.

"Who died and made her boss?" Cordelia asked, not seeing that behind her Willow walked right through the front of the house.

* * *

Let's just leave it at that for now. My fingers are killing me.


	4. Night of the Merc Pt2

Night of the Merc Pt.2

Authors Note: Okay, I've heard from the people and they tell me to stick with one perspective. Here's the next chapter, enjoy.

P.S. I received the final issue of Cable and Deadpool in the mail the other day, and it made me have all these emotions (most of them made me want to scream at the people of Marvel and Agent X who should never wear a loin cloth ever again). I salute Fabian Nicieza and the rest of the C and DP team.

* * *

I wonder if those babies are real. Why is she glaring at me like that? I haven't done anything wrong, yet. Wait. "I'm thinking out loud again, aren't I?"

"Yeah you are Dweeb boy! Who the hell are you supposed to be anyway?! The Amazing Spider-Dork?" Cat girl said which only marginally stung me.

"Honey I could be the best night of your life. People call me Deadpool." Don't you just love me.

"Whatever, why didn't you like start fighting Big Foot."

"Sasquatch, my name is Sasquatch," said Sasquatch.

"Okay, Why didn't you fight him?"

"1: haven't you noticed the size of the guy? He's bigger than a grizzly and a ganillion times stronger. B: which I already told you I didn't have my mask." Or guns.

"That is totally stupid, what union is there then."

"The West Coast Masked Persons Union."

"Your kidding, right?"

"I have a card in one of my pockets."

"Pull it out then."

"Really? Right in front of Sasquatch and the lady? How forward of you." Too easy.

"Argh! You know what I mean!"

"Thank god you guys are alright. It's Crazy out there."

"INTRUDER ALERT! Jumping into action, Deadpool takes the flamboyantly dressed intruder down with a flying dragon round house kick. Now for the big finish!"

Raising my sword over my head, I began a downward strike when the cat girl yelled "STOP! He's a good guy!"SLICE

"OH MY GOD!" Miss Cat's scream is lacking a little umph.

"I'm alive!" Says you.

"It's a fate even worse than death. He took like an inch off your hair!

"WHAT!"

"Seriously!"

"Calm down, I wasn't going to kill you. I knew you weren't badie, it's a merc thing. Something about you, though, really pisses me off."

"SO YOU CUT OFF MY HAIR!?"

"Felt like the thing to do at the time."

Meanwhile...

"Giles!" Willow screamed, walking straight through his office door.

"Ho..um..huh?" Giles stammered, and dropped all of the note cards he had in his hands.

Back to the story...

"So, who are you again?" It's a legitimate question.

"No, who are you? You smell like Xander but there's something else." Bastards cutting in on my dialog.

"Hey! It's not my fault that this kid doesn't know how to use deodorant." This kid does smell pretty rank right now.

"Not that, you smell human but there's also something else, something more." What?

"Wow, that was the crappiest cryptic line I've ever heard. I'm going to guess that your super nostrils are picking up my healing factor(or my cancer). Right now, it's strengthening the kids body so he can handle it. Kind of tingles." I like it.

"Whoa whoa whoa! What's happening to Xander?" Cat girl again.

"What you deaf? His body's adapting, so it's suitable for my healing factor."

"Healing Factor? Is that some kind of food item?" said Elizabeth. Was she taking a nap?

"No little lady, a healing factor is what keeps me from not taking a dirt nap."

"I do not understand." Smart as a bag of hammers this one.

"It's better to experience it with the eyes. I don't have time for expository dialog." Plus, there isn't even a pot of coffee.

"Now Wade, you don't know if the kid has a healing factor as strong as yours," said Sasquatch.

"Good catch doc, I was about to cut off my hand." Taking my katana out of it's sheath, I placed the blade in the palm of my hand and slid it through making a pretty wicked looking gash.

"ARE YOU NUTS!" Cat girls got a set of lungs, wonder how her gag reflexes are?

"Just watch babe, just watch." Tingly feels different than it usually does.

"Your cut, it's just closing up on it's own." Not as fast as my usual speed.

"Yeah, aint it cool. By the way, who's tall, dark, and hairless over there?"

"Grrr. My names Angel." This guys definitely not the straightest characters I've ever met. I mean come is the untucked shirt and black jacket supposed mean your cool? Mysterious? To me it screams look out oncoming traffic here comes a guy in the middle of the night wearing dark colors.

"Well Angel, mind telling me why your not breathing?"

"There's no time for that, we need make sure that the house is safe." That's dodging the question, but he does have a point.

"Yeah, we'll have a chat later then. I'll check up stairs with cat girl. Walter, you go check the basement. Angel, take the little miss there and check the back of the house."

"Who put you in charge? By the way, my name is Cordelia!" Why is this girl always complaining? I got something that'll shut her up.

"If you want it your way, you could go check the basement with Sasquatch."

"So, we're going upstairs then."

"That's what I thought. Ladies first."

Meanwhile...

"What a pretty predicament this has turned out to be." Ethan said sitting, comfortably on the roof of his shop eating his popcorn and nursing a warm beer.

Back to the story...

This chick is like ice. No chuckle, no witty banter, just a constant glare. I know what will put a little more heat in that ice, "So...that's a pretty nice ass you've got there."

"WHAT?" Again I have to say she has a great set of lungs.

"Just trying to start a conversation here."

"Try keeping your eyes' off me buster, and keep them on the possible dangers that could do more harm to me, or my costume." Now that's a woman who knows her priorities..

"Come on kitty cat, you got to give me more than that. This place is fucking boring, and I need to have some kind of interpersonal dialog."

"What is your damage? Your talking like there's an audience that needs to be entertained."

"What you talking about, Cordy? There's nobody reading this thing." Except for you guys.

"What?"

"Fourth wall thing."

"Forget it. What's your story anyway, your a cartoon character right?" That's a haunting question.

"Alas, I was never truly in the cartoon. My story in short form is: army, special ops, cancer, Weapon X, the workshop, mercenary. That's me in a nutshell."

"Wait, you have cancer?"

"Do you have short term memory loss or something? Yeah, it's the reason I got that little party trick." Could of said that better.

"Whatever, I don't think there's any creepy guys up here," Hey, she doesn't consider me creepy.

AIEE Lady Elizabeth, the character that the author doesn't like to use, but has too.

"Looks like the creeps are all downstairs."

Meanwhile...

"So..uh..all of you turned into your costumes, correct?" Giles said, polishing his glasses.

"Yeah, Buffy turned into a 18th century noble woman, and Xander turned into some mercenary with verbal diarrhea." Willow replied in a slow downed version of Willow babble.

"And you? What did you dress up as?" He asked, putting his glasses back on.

"I'm a ghost." Willow clearly stated.

"Ghost of what exactly?" He said trying not to sound insulting, and failing at it.

"This is nothing, you should have seen Cordelia she was wearing a unitard thing with cat ears." Trying make her seem more respectable.

"Good heavens, and she turned into an actual feline?" He asked with much intrigue.

"No, she was just same old Cordelia. Wait a sec, Buffy, Xander, and I all got our costumes at the same place, and I'm pretty sure Cordelia said that she got hers at Partytown." She said trying to remember when the particular moment happened.

"What was the name of the establishment?" He inquired.

"I think it was "Ethan's"." She said.

"Take me there." He commanded.

Back to the Merc...

"So, you've lobster?" Tee hee.

"What?" What's wrong with this guy? Doesn't he know what comedy is.

"You've lost her."

"It sounded like you said lobster."

"Just answer the question Hairy." Got to think seriously for a bit.

"Yeah she ran out the door, when I started to fight this vampire."

"You do know that it wasn't a real vampire right?"

"What?" Putz.

"If I understand the vampires from this continuity correctly, they can't come into a house without being invited in."

"Well yeah..."

"So, since he wasn't a real vampire the rules don't really apply. Meaning the vampire entered the house without an invitation. Then we come to my big question: what happened to the vampire?"

"I almost staked him, but he gave me a low blow and ran out the door." The guy looks like he's about to shit himself. Tee hee.

"Lucky for you. Go with Cordy and use those super nostrils to find her. Walter go out there and do the same and knock out the little monsters running around if come across any."

"And what are you going to be doing?" Does he even need to ask?

"I'm going to use my teleporter to check out this place and/or to do things that amuses me." Time for some fun.

BZZZ

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Sorry it took so long to update this.


	5. Night of the Merc Pt3

Night of the Merc Pt.3

Authors Note: So I hear that Ryan Reynolds is going to play good ol' Pool in the Wolverine movie. I hope he's as funny as he was in Waiting, that movie was awkwardly funny...THE GOAT!!

P.S. I like blonds. It's a foreign thing.

* * *

Where o where has my little 18th century noblewoman gone, o where o where can she be. Seriously though, that girl is starting to piss me off. I've teleported to a couple of places now and I still can't find her.

First, there was that lingerie store's dressing room: "Hi there" EEEK!.

Then there was that greek guys place: "Are you going to finish that lamb".

Okay, let's see where this next place takes me.BZZZ Looks like I'm on someones roof. Is that a bowl of popcorn and a beer? That little bastard's enjoying all the crap that's going on! I should kick this guy's ass to Lunch Lady land, he could be the new hot dog man, whatever happened to him? I don't have time for this right now I have to find miss frilly dress. Decisions decisions, wait! I know what to do.

Four minutes later...

That should do it, he's really going to have a kick when he pops his next popcorn. Back to the search.

"Is there someone there?" Ethan Rayne said looking around, "oh well, nothing can possibly ruin all of this delicious chaos and popcorn," grabbing a handful of popcorn and slamming it into his mouth, not noticing the wasabi powder that Deadpool had added.

Five seconds later...

AIEE "WHAAT IS GOING ON?!" Ethan screamed and chugged down his beer; that now had habanero purée mixed in it.

Back to 'Pool...

"By that beautiful noise, I thinketh justice hath been served. Let's see where the next place is." Deadpool said while he ate some wasabi peas.

Drusiila's room...

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night." Drusilla sang playing with her hair and stabbing a little bird that was tied to a chair in the heart.

BZZZ

"Teleportation gotta love it. Where am I no- hey, it's a skinny brunette in a nightie...Schwing." Deadpool said doing a pelvic thrust in Drusilla's direction.

"Pain fills your heart, I can see all of it's loveliness. It sings and dances with death." She said taking short steps towards him after every word.

"And craziness fills your head. Well craziness probably fills both our heads, but at least my kind of crazy is interesting and keeps the readers coming back for more." He said after looking around the room.

"Grr, bad kitty. Mommy's going to have to punish you now." She said while trying to put her game face on.

"Sounds fun, but I got to go look for a lost girl so." BZZZ

"Kitty's gone away, but he'll be back another day."

Angel and Cordelia...

"She'll be okay, I mean she's the slayer and all." Cordelia said while trying to keep up with Angel's furious pace.

"Buffy would be okay. Whoever she is now, she's helpless. C'mon!" Angel said clinging to the remnants of his hair.

Behind a tree nearby...

"Do you hear that, my friends? Somewhere out here is the tenderest meat you've ever tasted and all we have to do is find her first!" Spike, with game face, said to a crowd of little monsters.

In an alley somewhere half hour later...Elizabeth's POV

That man was a vampire! I must find a safe haven and contact my father somehow. What was that noise?

"Pretty, pretty." It's a pirate I must flee, but I'm too afraid. He might rip my dress.

Regular POV...

"Hey buster! Hands off the princess!" Using what she learned in the self-defense class, Cordelia stomped the pirates foot with the heel of her shoe and then proceeded to kneeing him in the jewels, family jewels that is.

ARGH screamed the pirate, and then Angel punched him in the face.

Back at Ethan's shop...

"Hello! Anyone home?" said Giles looking throughout the many isles.

"Giles..." Willow called the librarian from behind a curtain while looking at a statue with glowing eyes.

"Janus. Roman mythical god." he said assessing what the statue was.

"What does it mean?" She asked totally confused.

"Primarily the division of self. Male and female, light and dark." He replied taking a closer glance at it.

"I wonder where that Ethan guy went." She said stepping through the curtain to the stores front and then back again.

"Willow, I want you to go find the others; while I search for Ethan and gather some answers." He said straightening himself and giving her a stern stare.

"But..." She tried to protest.

"Willow go." He commanded.

"Okay." She complied and left through the front of the store.

After Willow had left, Giles walked around to the way back of the store and spotted Ethan, who had his head dunked into a large bucket of water. Giles grabbed Ethan by the collar of his shirt, pulled his head out of the water, and all that Ethan could say was, "Oh bugger."

"Hello, Ethan." Giles said in chilling tone.

"Hello, Ripper heh heh." Ethan muttered.

Back in the Alley...

"Buffy! Are you okay?" EEK Elizabeth screamed when she saw Angel and began clutching Cordelia, "What's your deal? Take a pill!" Cordelia said, grabbing and shaking the frightened noblewoman.

"He's a vampire!" Elizabeth said pointing at Angel, who was at the time looking around the corner to make sure that the area was safe.

"She's got this thing where she thinks... Forget it," Cordelia said to Angel, "It's okay. Angel is a good vampire. He would never hurt you." She said in attempt to calm Elizabeth.

"Really?" Elizabeth said sounding a bit unsure

"Absolutely. He's our friend." Cordelia said and Elizabeth relaxed after that.

"GUYS!" Screamed Willow running out of a wall and to the group.

"Willow!" Angel screamed back.

"Guys, you gotta get inside Spike and a gang of monsters are coming this way! OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!"

"Not now! This way! Find an open warehouse." Said Angel, who lead the foursome to the other side of the alley.

Back at Ethan's...

"What? No hug? Aren't you pleased to see your old mate, Rupert? You could have at least gotten me a bottle of milk." Said Ethan still feeling the effects of the wasabi flavored popcorn.

"I'm just surprised I didn't guess it was you. This Halloween stunt stinks of Ethan Rayne." Giles said glaring at Ethan and at the same time polishing his glasses.

"Yes, it does, doesn't it? Don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but it's genius. The very embodiment of 'be careful what you wish for'." The chaos mage said wiping some water off of his head.

"It's sick, brutal, and it harms the innocent." The watcher said to Ethan trying to him the error of his ways.

"Oh, and we all know that you are the champion of innocents and all things pure and good, Rupert. It's quite a little act you've got going here, old man." Ethan said reminding Giles of their shared past.

"It's no act. It's who I am." Giles said defending his character.

"Who you are? The Watcher: sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of. But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you come from." Rayne said with a smirk.

"Break the spell, Ethan. Then leave this place and never come back." Giles commanded very hostilely.

"Why should I? What's in the bargain for me?" Ethan asked defiantly.

"You get to live." Giles said putting his glasses back on his head.

"Oh, Rupert, you're scaring me." Which earned Ethan a fist in his gut and then a knee to his face.

Back to 'Pool...Finally...

Took long enough, I curse the person who gave the author the site with the transcripts. Hey there's Sasquatch. "Dude, sup?"

"Wade, come quickly. There's some kind of monster mob chasing after the people we met earlier." For a guy who is made of muscle he looks to be extremely fatigued. Ha he must have ended up in a kid more out shape than the one I'm in.

"That's almost as bad as Beautician and the Beast." Crappiest movie ever.

"Look, they've got them cornered we need to get there fast. Wade teleport over there!" I've got a great idea.

"Sorry Doc, but I'm all out of batteries. I've got an idea though. You know the thing that the Colossus and Wolverine uses?" This is going to being awesome.

"Yes, what of it?" For a genius, he's kind of slow.

"What of it what that's what we're going to do!" Duh!

"But Wade! That's a patented Wolverine move!" Crap think quickly think quickly!

"We're both fellow mutants, X-men and fellow ex-members of Weapon X, so it should be kosher." Makes perfect sense.

"Alright, do I get to yell it?" Is he kidding me?

"Are you the one being thrown into the air?" I mean really.

"Gotcha, ready when you are." I've always wanted to try this but lacked a sidekick with supper strength or Sylvester Stalone.

"Here it goes. ONE FASTBALL SPECIAL COMING AT YA!" Coolest thing you'll ever see, besides a monkey sword fight.

Back to Buffy and the others...

"Look at you. Shaking. Terrified. Alone. Lost little lamb. I lo-" Spike was saying but was interrupted by the sound of.

"-ING AT YA!" Let's see what I've got to work with: Blond guy in leather jacket, little midget monsters, weird horn gut that I kicked before and some more something rathers. Looks like fun.  
"WHICH ONE OF YOU FEEBS ARE FIRST!"

Going into a flurry of non-lethal kicks and punches, Deadpool proceeded in beating the crap out of every wannabe demon in close proximity. While capturing the attention of the scoobies.

Meanwhile at Ethan's...

After beating Ethan up and down his shop and kicking him in the gut a few times Giles finally demanded, "Now, tell me how to stop the spell."

"Janus. Break the bust." Ethan Gasped out after another kick to the gut.

Back to the main players...

"Take that and that!" Deadpool said after Kicking a demon that looked a bit like the DC super hero The Martian Manhunter in the head, "this is easier than convincing Blob that if you eat enough Ho Hos you'll turn into a chocolate llama. Who wants some more! You! Billy Idol, I got something here for ya that'll make you want dance with yourself!" Deadpool screamed preparing to run wild on the vampire.

"No one talks to the Big Bad like that. Before I break you, what name should I put on your tombstone." William the Bloody spat back viciously.

"Tombstone? Who said anything about getting a pizza? If you want to know the name of the guy who is about to kick your ass, the names Deadpool and don't forget it." The merc rushed the undead blonde.

"Deadpool huh, a droopy by any other name is still a tasty morsel." Spike said while dropping into a ready stance.

"Okay the body's some kid Xander, but I'm all me right now! So step right up to get beat down!" 'Pool said going into a jumping kick.

"HEY DEADPOOL THAT GUY YOU CAN KILL!" Willow screamed at Deadpool.

"THANKS HOOKER TREE GIRL GHOST...WHATEVER! Time to show off my mastery of the swords baby!" Said Deadpool landing the kick, sending spike into some trash cans and unsheathing his ninjato at the same time

"Hold on, I ain't got a pig sticker. Your one of them white hats where's the whole fair game thing and all that." Spike said picking himself off the ground.

"Me? Play fair?"HAHAHA "that's the funniest thing I've heard in a while. Let's get this over with, and with the big swing...I feel sort of weird." With that the mercenary know as Deadpool left the building.

"What the...why am I holding a plastic sword?" Said Xander Harris looking at said plastic swords.

"I'm scared! I want my mommy!" A little kid cried.

"Wait a tic' if your all back to normal then..." Said Spike and then turning to look at Buffy.

"Hi, honey. I'm home." Buffy said as she pulled off her wig.

"Bugger," was all Spike said before getting a hard hitting fist to the face.

"You know what? It's good to be me." Buffy quipped as she continued her assault on Spikes face.

At Ethan's...

After breaking the bust of Janus, Giles checked the broken pieces for any trace of lingering chaos magic. After finishing, Giles turned to find that Ethan had high tailed it out of there.

Back to the normal Scooby gang...

Jeez that was weird I wonder how many doors I looked through. Hey, theres Buffy, "Hey, Buff. Welcome back."

"Yeah! You, too." Buffy looks like she's dealing.

"You guys remember what happened?" I wonder if Cordelia is going to blame me for all the stuff Deadpool said.

"It was way creepy. It's like I was there, but I couldn't get out." That sounded weird.

"Yeah, I know the feeling. This outfit's totally skintight." That's totally hot.

"That's totally hot." Did I just say that out loud?

"What?" Crap she heard.

"Nothing." Looks there's Angel with a really bad haircut wonder what he's going to say. Yadda yadda Buffy yadda yadda.

"You okay?" Putz.

"Yeah. What happened to your hair?" Knew that was coming.

And they walk off, no are you guys alright or how about that Deadpool, no respect no respect at all.

"Hello? It felt like I was talking. My lips were moving and--" What you need to do is stop talking.

"Give it up, Cordy. You're never gonna get between those two. Believe me, I know." Do I ever.

"Well, I guess we better get them back to their parents." An actual good plan.

"Yeah, everybody seems to... where's Sasquatch?" Think you'd notice a giant orange mass of fur.

"Hey guys." Is that?

"Jono you were Sasquatch?" Totally did not expect that...maybe.

"Yeah, that Fastball Special was awesome." Was it ever.

"Yeah it...wait where's Willow?" Shes gone too. What's happening to my sense of perception?!

"She was a ghost, right?" Well duh she walked through walls. Hold on.

"Yeah, she probably went back to her body. Let's get these kids home." God I'm such a numb skull.

Xander's room hours later...

That was one hell of a night. It was like I was in two places at once. Anyways, I'm glad that we're done with all this stuff. It's time to hit the hay.

Unbeknownst to Xander, The Merc' with a Mouth had left him with a little gift growing in his cells and a few mental suggestions.

* * *

That's all for now folks.


	6. Epilouge

Epilogue

Authors Note: This is going to be the final chapter in this part of the series, but tune in later for the next story where the action is going to pick up.

* * *

Xander's House... Normal POV

"Hey mom," Xander said when he walked into the kitchen "what's for breakfast?"

"Well," his mother Jessica Harris said as she stepped away from a cupboard "it looks like we have cereal and water."

"The classic Harris meal," he said and grabbed a bowl from the same cupboard "where's dad?"

"He's in front of the TV," she replied and poured herself a margarita "where else would he be."

"Good point." He said and then began eating his cereal.

After Xander swallowed his first spoonful of cereal, he started feeling ill. At first he believed his mother must of accidentally sprayed the bowls with Windex again, but that thought was proven wrong when he looked over at his mom and saw that she was fine. He ignored the feeling and continued eating. Minutes passed, and the feeling intensified from an illness to sharp pains. He turned his head to his mother and said "Hey mom, I'm not feeling too good. Could I stay home from school?"

"Oh no," she said "if you don't want to take a test just skip the class, like you usually do."

"Bu-" he attempted to say.

"No buts," she said with authority "your going to school and that's final." He didn't say anything; he just sat there for a while and stared at his cereal. When his mom told him that it was time to go to school, he got up to put his bowl away, but when he got out of his chair all the strength in his legs gave out on him and he fell to the floor.

His mother saw this and said "Nice try Xander, get up or you'll be late for school." When he didn't answer her, she knelt beside him, felt his forehead and then yelled out "TONY!"

"WHAT!" Tony Harris yelled back at her while he lounged in his recliner.

"CALL AN AMBULANCE!" She screamed at him "SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH XANDER!"

Sunnydale Hospital a hour later...

Xander laid in the hospital bed, waiting for a doctor's diagnosis, while his parents sat in the assorted chairs in the room. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for what seemed like an eternity. When their anxiety was almost filled to its peak, the doctor entered the room. "What's wrong with my boy doc?" Tony Harris said while he sprinted out of his chair and to the doctor.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news." The doctor said as he took off his glasses "there's no easy way to say this, so I'll get right to the point."

"What is it already!" Jessica Harris shrieked.

The doctor sighed and said "Your son has cancer."

Jessica became hysterical. Tony began cursing. All Xander did was smile, thought of the chimichangas that was owed to him and asked the doctor "Do I get any lollipops?.

* * *

Short and devastating just like many of my romantic relationships.


End file.
